An Olive’s Guide to Celebrating Christmas || featuring penguins, snow ball fights, CANDY and a step-by-step guide to kidnapping mango trees

It’s here! It’s FINALLY here! Winter break has started! Christmas is right round the corner! AND IT IS SNOWING!

And so, I may ask, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING INSIDE OVER HERE, READING THIS, INSTEAD OF GOING OUT AND SHOWING THE WORLD WHO’S THE SNOW BALL FIGHTING BOSS, HMM? Or raiding an entire candy shop and stuffing your face with chocolate?? Or kidnapping christmas trees or presents or books or gingerbread houses from the old lady down the street, or stockings or rudolph the raindeer’s red nose and then painiting it blue because that will be fun, or libraries OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

There’s three possible answers I can assume you’ll give to this: (1) IT ISN’T SNOWING HERE, ANOUSHKA, S T O P (2) covid is still running high, DO YOU WANT ME TO SPEND CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE HOSPITAL? (3) What are YOU doing inside?

The third one only if you’re very evil. If that is the case, THEN SHOO. I CANNOT HAVE SOMEONE ELSE COMPETING FOR THE TITLE OF ‘EVIL’ WHILE I’M STILL HERE. SHOO.

The weird part-sunny-part-cold weather today and also the excitement of the holidays got me into the mood for HANDING OUT ALL MY CANDY-STORE RAIDING SECRETS CONSIDERING I AM QUEEN AT THAT, but then I opened the laptop, only to find… the picture of a penguin staring at me. Now see, penguins and me? We… have a complicated history. They have SCARY EYES. They’re perfectly innocent and very CUTE creatures. But only until you reach their EYES. They look like they want to come murder you with that gaze. NOT NICE.

So that completely took me out of my plan to write about those raiding tips, because hahahahahah – we do not give away all secrets, especially those essential for survival. no, we keep them safe, and SECRET from all the penguins reading this. So, instead, i come to you with a list of tips for celebrating christmas like the amazing little olive that you are. But also keep in mind that i do not guarantee you will still have hands and feet and flippety flappety flipping flops, or whatever you call them if you’re a penguin, and eyes and BRAINS left if you attempt all of these (you might end up in prison for some of these *AHEM*) and just know that I DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. THANK YOU. LET’S PROCEED.

Rules do not apply. So STOP FOLLOWING THEM

It is Christmas y’all! Snow, candy, more snow, more candy, snow ball fights, gingerbread houses, CANDY, Santa Claus, Christmas trees, candy? YES! But there’s no room left for rules anymore, so STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM. Break every single rule you ever thought you had to follow, eat nutella with pizza if that is what you love, stuff your face with as many hersheys chocolates as you can get your hands on, wear pajamas all day, chocolate with ketchup and cheese, NO ONE’S GOING TO JUDGE. You get to create the rules here, SO DO THAT! It is Christmas, GO HAVE SOME FUN! Do whatever you want, and may i also mention that you need to stop worrying about that overflowing TBR for a moment? And all those post ideas that still need to be drafted? Yes, so S T O P. Rules don’t exist. FUN is all that matters. 2021 is coming to an end people, ENJOY IT!

Murder your TBR, forget about it, and READ ALL THE CHRISTMASSY BOOKS YOU WANT

It is a generally accepted fact that TBR’s are evil creatures of the universe, and always up to mischief of sorts. They torture bookworms, rumors have been going around since CENTURIES about how they have been murdering humans once in a while too, and basically just cause a LOT of fear and panic and stress. BUT not at Christmas, no. This time, be brave and show them WHO’S BOSS.

Me: Mwhahahah, you cannot conquer me, EVIL BEAST, MY TBR. I shall defeat you!
TBR: What makes you think so?
Me: I’ve got a sword
TBR: I’ve got books
Me: *nervous laughter* …..sword?
TBR: not afraid
Me: I could… I could murder you
TBR: I don’t think so
Me: I COULD!
TBR: *spills all the books*
Me: *muffled screaming from under the 8723621621378 book long pile that once used to be my TBR* And once upon a time i used to think my spirit was evil
TBR: HA! Dumb humans.
Me: I’m an olive!
Me: *dies*
TBR: Come, little green fire-breathing dragon that once used to belong to anoushka. let us conquer the world together!
Dragon: *nods head*
Me: Oops

Yeah, well, that is not exactly what I’d had in mind when I first pictured THE PLAN, but it does seem like a highly likely possibility, doesn’t it? BUT don’t let a minor, silly little threat (that might someday result in taking over your life, but we do not talk about that) stop you from devouring all the christmassy books to your heart’s content. You can deal with your TBR’s tragic plans for your future LATER. That is what January is for. (And *AHEM* While I have you here, nice and healthy and speaking of TBR’s, may I have the honor of suggesting Little Women as THE perfect book to accompany some dark chocolate on a cold winter’s morning? JO IS PERFECTION, AND YOU NEED IT, JUST SAYING)

Befriend a dragon and conquer the world together

Obviously, since some people are evil and soon-to-be-queens of the world (ME!) Christmas can be the BEST time for them to quietly steal away the universe from right under people’s noses, while everyone else is too busy stuffing their faces with blue cotton candy (DON’T WORRY, I SHALL DEFINITELY COME BACK FOR THE COTTON CANDY LATER) and an excessive number of chocolates, to even notice. What can i say, people are insanely in love with candy like that.

But for the GLORIOUS task of conquering the world, we first need a DRAGON. Obviously. So go find the dragon kingdom located in the very depths of the star filled galaxy, right under the library of olives, and bribe them with some cake. They are 100% guaranteed to heed your request in exchange for a cake-filled eternity (apparently sugar works its magic not only on humans, but all-knowing dragons too, HA!), and will also swear their loyalty to you. But do NOT turn into an over-excited olive at the final minute. You need to be careful and choose a very TRUSTWORTHY dragon as your companion for world conquering. You do not want it to betray you and join forces with evil TBR’s and help them in your ultimate downfall and possible getting-crushed-under-book-piles. Or you could just skip all of that and go find Hagrid’s hut instead, and the two of you can become best buds and go on a dragon-adopting mission together, leaving Harry to deal with said TBR. Easy.

Break ALL the rules with those delicious, Christmassy foods. ALL of them

Bake christmas cookies, ace that gingerbreak house making competition with 1st place, surprise your family by making dinner, try making your own CANDIES! But you might wonder, ‘ANOUSHKA! My baking skills are non-existent? What am I supossed to do? I burn every single piece of cake I lay hands on, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?’ Okay, first off, if you can do that, SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY UP WITH YOU, AND I SHALL OFFER UP ALL MY PRECIOUS BOOKS IN EXCHANGE FOR YOU TEACHING ME HOW TO DO THAT. But fire-breathing hands aside, I UNDERSTAND, okay? As someone who has only ever created either burnt or half-cooked food in the kitchen, I UNDERSTAND. I have burned bread that had already been bought perfectly cooked, okay? So I UNDERSTAND. But it’s okay. The turkey doesn’t necessarily have to be… edible*. The candy can be salty. It’s fine. JUST TRY, AND HAVE FUN! Maybe you’ll get it right, who knows? Or you can always laugh over how you blew up the oven AS WELL AS the chimney of your house that one fine Christmas day, when you’re old and grey-haired and sitting at a table playing chess.

*okay, don’t you dare insult that turkey like that, understand? a bird was KILLED, DO NOT DO THAT

Put up your Christmas Tree. Or kidnap one. Or what about CHRISTMAS BOOK TREES

Christmas isn’t Christmas without A TREE. Right? RIGHT. Christmas trees are ESSENTIAL, just like candy and snow ball fights. AND DID I MENTION THAT DECORATING THEM IS THE BEST AND MOST FUN THING IN THE WORLD??? Well, IT IS. So what are you waiting for?? If you have a christmas tree, GOOD! Stop staring at those mandarins you know no will ever be kind enough to let you eat, and go decorate it, GREEN ALIEN! Hang the star right in the center and then send me a photo for merciless scrutiny, which i am more than happy to provide. YOU’VE GOT A HAPPY LIFE.

But then there are some broke little olives among us who have a huge library filled to the sparkling golden doorknob with books, but no money left for christmas trees. I can FEEL your distress, fellow olives. That’s the reason i meander from my general path of unapologetic evil and come to provide you with first-class solutions. The ANSWER. Is simple. Think. When you don’t have a book, what do you do? YOU KIDNAP ONE. So if you don’t have a tree, what will you do? THAT’S RIGHT, my cool little bean, you KIDNAP one! Pretend to take a stroll around your unfriendly neighbourhood, and stop by Mr. Richard’s yard to pet his dog and snoop around for signs of aliens and UFO’s, while in reality you uproot the pride and joy of his life, the beloved mango tree he has so painstakingly put everything he has ever had, into growing. Throw it over your shoulder and drag it across the street and straight into your house. THERE. HAPPY NOW? Go decorate it with candy! And leave the door open for some thief to come and steal all the candy canes, BECAUSE I LOVE THOSE. THANK YOU.

OR. Since you are also proud owner of aforementioned library bigger than your house, you could choose to not risk your career as a renowned kidnapper of well-loved mango trees, found serving a life sentence in prison, and also protect yourself from the unbearable WRATH of Mr. Richard and his loyal dog companion, by creating a christmas book tree instead! THE IDEA IS SO COOL TOO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH BOOKS TO CREATE A SUCCESSFUL TREE, so I shall have to kidnap Mr. Richard’s like i’ve been doing every year until now. *sigh* But if you DO create a book tree, do not forget to send me a photo if you care about your life, okay?

Kidnap a cat walking down the street and dress it up

See? Cats? They’re CUTE. As long as they keep their nails well inside their fingers. But yes, they’re CUTE. And amazing and WAY better than penguins. And by this point, I think it’s a pretty well-established fact that I AM A HUGE FAN OF KIDNAPPING honestly anything in general? So why not work the magic on cats too?? Lure them to your house with the promises of warm milk and then get DRESSING THEM UP! Place Santa’s cap on their furry little heads, wrap them up in red and white pieces of cloth diguised as a dress because you can’t stitch (oops), maybe feed them some candy and let them play with all the ornaments hanging from your christmas tree! And then wave them goodbye when they finally take their leave, after telling you how much fun they had, eating christmas dinner with you and everything. You might wipe some tears threatening to leak out of your eyes because gosh, you really loved those cats, and they were so cute and you wish they could stay forever. And its only then that you realize you didn’t take back those Christmas caps from them. If i may ask, WHERE’S YOUR HEAD THIS EVENING, OLIVE?

Join in on all the ONLINE FUN

If you don’t celebrate Christmas, THIS IS THE PERFECT SOLUTION FOR YOU! The blogosphere has been filled with Christmas-related posts lately, and even though I personally don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s been so exciting reading all of them! People talking about christmas food and making my mouth water at an hour past midnight? YES, DEFINITELY. So many bloggers are participating in Blogmas and THOSE POSTS ARE REALLY FUN TOO, and basically its like everyone’s coming alive again, people who had gone on haitus are returning, and THERE ARE SO MANY MORE POSTS THAN BEFORE, and it all just makes me VERY excited, okay? Some bloggers are also hosting online secret santa games, so go partcipate in those, or host your own! Change your blog theme, or name, or make your profile photo red and green and… Christmas themed!

Torture people into buying books for you

I mean, it is Christmas. You’ve worked hard this entire year, handing in assignments, trying to ace exams, reading those ARC’s even when the entire time all you’ve wanted to do was eat a truckload of butterscotch ice cream and sleep for an eternity while also scrolling through all of the aesthetic instagram feeds and dreaming about olives. You’ve written reviews (DIFFICULT STUFF), drafted blog posts, maybe partictipated in NaNoWriMo, you’ve waited patiently for any type of announcement whatsoever for the second season of Julie and the Phantoms without losing every last molecule of sanity you have left (okay, if someone has actually managed this, I NEED TIPS PLEASE, I AM DESPERATE, I cry over it at least once every week, lose my temper twice each day, and have very minimal sanity left). Point is, you’ve worked hard! So treat yourself! Take a break! Buy that copy of Six of Crows you want so DESPERATELY! Beg Santa to bring along a bigger-than-your-house library for you, maybe try starting a campaign about how bookworms should be allowed permament residence inside the library (I SHALL GLADLY JOIN, THANK YOU!) Books are amazing, AND YOU CAN HAVE THEM, OKAY?

Sing Christmas songs at the TOP OF YOUR VOICE

Now, being one of those people whose singing voice very much resembles a frog, I CAN UNDERSTAND. But IT’S CHRISTMAS! The white lighting surrounding your neighbourhood is begging you to join in on the festivities and sing all those fun Christmas Carols, and will you be so rude as to disappoint it? If yes, then THAT IS VERY CRUEL OF YOU! Watch Julie and the Phantoms if you’re low on inspiration! And then run around your house singing people’s ears into deafness, IT’S FUN!

Be nice and kind for once, and put that evilness aside

Yes, I know, THE IRONY of this sentence. I’ve spent this entire post handing out fool-proof ways to be evil, and now I jump out of nowhere and start talking about KINDNESS? Ha. Hahaha. But isn’t Christmas the season of giving and getting? So go create gifts, for your family, friends, even for Mr. Richard as some small sort of retaliation for that beloved mango tree you have so heartlessly stolen! Make people happy! Even your little siblings who express their desire to murder you at least twice a day if you don’t shut up about Riptide and Percy and Dumbledore’s glasses. You can get back to winning that arm wrestling fight AFTER Christmas is over.

Stop worrying and have fun!

Get all the work out of the way. You don’t want to suddenly be struck by the realization that you still haven’t even started that 887488938 page long chemistry essay that was due 3 days back, while opening presents, do you? I’m assuming not. Stop worrying about that ARC from 10 years back you still haven’t reviewed. Or that big 6-digit number glaring down at you, indicating the number of reviews that are still pending to be written. Or those half-finished blog posts you have no idea what to do about. FORGET THAT TORTUROUS GOODREADS CHALLENGE, OKAY?

Do stuff that gets you into the holiday mood. Go on a movie marathon (I VERY HIGHLY RECOMMEND ALEXA AND KATIE) or binge-watch every single fantasy show on Netflix. And obviously, there’s always the good old option of raiding that CANDY STORE if you’re out of ideas.

Even though I don’t personally celebrate Christmas, and it doesn’t snow here either (I LIVE in a desert. What do you expect?) BUT the holiday season is still SO MUCH FUN to look forward to! The winter break, the CANDY, the cold weather, the BLANKETS, hot chocolate, the MAGIC, and did I mention CANDY? I don’t think I did. EVERYTHING IS JUST SO… HAPPY AND AMAZING, AND IT IS TO LIVE FOR, OKAY? And seeing everyone’s Christmas-related posts around the blogosphere made me want to write one too! So yes, a post from the olive! Now, if you’ll kindly excuse me while i attempt to stay up the whole night finishing Six of Crows, that PHENOMENAL COMBINATION OF WORDS AND KAZ BREKKER –

What is your favorite thing about Christmas??? Favorite chocolates?? How do you celebrate Christmas?? Are you participating in Secret Santa? THOUGHTS ON DRAGONS AND CONQUERING THE WORLD?? What are some of your favorite Christmas books?? Movies?? Have you ever stolen TREES?