I think it’s a well-known fact at this point that this blog is a place where we discuss all the reasons PEOPLE SHOULD NOT READ.
I did that one post about all the reasons bookworms are major threats to the world a long time ago and have also been suspected of providing tips for murdering TBR’s. And today we are talking about all the dangers of reading. I am seriously re-considering (and possibly crying over) all my life decisions at this point, most of which happen to involve creating inhumanely huge TBR stacks, buying bucketloads of books instead of more chocolates, and spending hours in a library each weekend, while simultaneously having an existential crisis. I don’t understand this world.
- Your eyes might suffer because, lets face it, books are amazing and addicting and those are also the two reasons why its terrible. You cannot put them down even when your eyes start to water because GOSH, YOU LOVE THE CHARACTERS, AND WHO CARES ABOUT EYES ANYWAY, RIGHT?
- Your hands might fall off because BOOKS ARE HEAVY, okay?
- You could do more important stuff like stuffing your mouth with candy. Obviously.
- See – books end at some point and that is just SAD so why not save yourself the heartbreak and not read at all??
- Authors are evil little beings and love to kill off characters (especially the reader’s favorites) SO SAVE THE TEARS AGAIN.
- They also lead you to forget the names of non-bookish humans
- And birthdays and loads of other things THAT DON’T MATTER ANYWAY, (but apparently they do to the non-bookish poplulation??)
- Forgetting to sleep because THE BOOK IS TOO GOOD
- And then accidentally falling asleep in a physics lecture the next day (oops)
- Forgetting what the OUTDOORS look like
- Because you were too busy touring Ketterdam
- Unending crying when people tell you to stop reading which might end in you throwing books at them
- And more crying because real life people are NOTHING like book characters and THAT IS TERRIBLE
- Dying because of unpredicted PLOT TWISTS
- If you don’t read, you do not need to have major existential crises when people ask you to choose a favorite book
- OR at the end of the year when you need to write ‘Favorite books of the year’ posts
- Yeah, well. A short list. But moving on –
And obviously, when anyone says ‘need to be kept away from’ they might as well be screaming about how you need to run to that stall over there because they sell this delicious chocolate cake. Because you know how the human mind gets very CURIOUS and does the exact thing it is told not to. What can i say? We humans are weird like that. So this is a very generous invitation for you to read and be tortured by these evil books, okay? (#manipulation)
ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
- It has made me want red hair. I shall look like someone returning from a battlefield. BUT HAHAHAHA – I am serious. This cannot work like that because I am olive and olives with red hair will probably look disgusting. But the plus point will be that I do not have to worry about dumb humans eating me anymore. YES, I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THIS. Someone needs to talk me out of it before I do something stupid that may or may not involve searching every corner of the Earth for a magic fairy to grant me my dreams (dye is probably way simpler, but HEY, we’re here for the drama, wasn’t I clear on that) and then maybe end up as a runaway somehow because THEFT of chocolate and kidnapping of aforementioned fairy. That shall be fun.
- And I also want to crack slates by crashing them on people’s heads because not only does the thought of doing that feel highly satisfying but it is also my ULTIMATE chance to take my long-awaited revenge from humanity, my most hated enemy. And it is also my life’s ambition and I need to do it okay?
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Whatever I do, I shall become a runaway/criminal/fugitive on the run/maybe a murderer if i slam that slate too hard which might lead to said person’s head exploding (oops).
- I want to ride dragons and politely ask them to be my companion (where’politely’ obviously involves some mild bribing with olives and cake and MAYBE leftover christmas candy if none of the other methods work) and help me conquer the entire word while also burning down cities and villages and every single piece of land I deem unfit to be spared (gahahahaha, SO POWERFUL I SHALL BE). Even though Smaug is very innocent. But innocent beings inspire me like that. We can be best friends and I can teach him the ways of evil and how to live a very successful life like that too #goals
- Okay, see, hobbit holes look like these very comfortable places that will be very ideal to live in for the rest of eternity. Along with a never-ending supply of books and cake obviously. I shall even forget about all my dreams of conquering and burning down the world and quietly and very generously forgive the dragons for not siding with me instead of all those revenge battles I had been planning against them.
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Dragons have a reputation for being not-the-kindest-beings-on-Earth sometimes and they would most probably EAT me when I go to them for help, so that would not be nice. And hahahaha, the hobbit hole? I WOULD SERIOUSLY LOVE THAT ACTUALLY, but that would also mean that I could never post on here again because DO HOBBIT HOLES HAVE INTERNET?
- Roaming around Hogwarts making friends with basilisks is something I desperately want to take up as a hobby. It will also be very convenient for killing enemies without being blamed, you know?
- I also want to steal books from the restricted section because the idea sounds like so much evil fun I cannot resist. And, HEY, its books we’re talking about here. I am almost 7364729292% certain that if I ever go to Hogwarts, I shall lose my eyeballs within days because I tried to read every single book in the library and was very desperate and HUNGRY for words. And magic.
- And also smash ink bottles on student’s (OH AND MAYBE ALSO QUIRREL BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I’D SMASH IT ON VOLDEMORT AND I WOULD FEEL SO BRAVE AND HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL ABOUT MY LIFE) heads to leave behind my legacy right beside that of peeves. #SoMuchFun
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Well, considering my friendship with the basilisk could take one of these two turns: (1) I would eat the basilisk and die because apparently THEY’RE NOT EDIBLE??? Why didn’t anyone warn me about this??? or (2) The basilisk would eat me and I’d die anyway. The future of my life looks very pathetic. Stealing books from the restricted section is breaking rules too and did I ever mention that I am very dumb and easily frightened so I’d probably most certainly absolutely, positively GET CAUGHT. Maybe I’d be sent into the Forbidden Forest for detention and that would definitely be FUN until a werewolf ends up eating me. *sigh* BUT it was fun while it lasted.
EVERY SINGLE AGATHA CHRISTIE BOOK EVER
- Agatha Christie books are very difficult to read, okay?
- IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO READ THEM WHEN INSTEAD YOU FEEL THIS DIRE, LIFE-THREATENING NEED TO CHECK EVERY CORNER OF YOUR HOUSE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM JUST TO BE SURE THAT THERE ISN’T A SERIAL KILLER OUT TO MURDER YOU OR SOMETHING.
- And doors. The ABC murders has traumatised me for life and created an immense, very logical fear of doors in me and I feel afraid to open the door to my room because I am certain I shall get a dagger through my chest. Thanks to this book every time I see a door I turn into a non-living olive who very slowly runs away.
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Hahahahahaha, MURDER? Irrational fear?? But also, like, OBSESSION? Because I most definitely AM obsessed with Agatha Christie and love reading it. Hahahahahahahaha – what is wrong with me?
PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS
- I want to steal riptide (*gasp* SURPRISE! SURPRISE!) And for the first time ever, I am admitting that is bad. Very bad. In a lot of ways, some of which include: (1) Stealing riptide is basically… THEFT and it can land you in prison 2. Swords are weapons. So technically they’re violent and I can become bloodthirsty??? I do NOT kill people like that, okay? I am kind. (hahaha – yeah, right, BUY THAT)
- I want to fight a minotaur. And I may or may not be desperate. But I would obviously die and become minotaur-snack like 5 minutes in (considering that some of my non-existent luck decides to jump in and help??) because I have Z-E-R-O survival skills.
- I swear, i was a very innocent kid who never even thought about weapons before this. Percy Jackson scarred me for LIFE.
- I want to go to the Empire State building and ask the security to take me to the 600th floor. Maybe risk another life sentence in prison and be considered as a lunatic worldwide?? Such an interesting life.
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: I will become Minotaur snack but maybe the minotaur will realize that i taste very disgusting when I am already halfway eaten and will spit me out, leaving me to probably die buried in its saliva??? AND PERHAPS THE MINOTAUR WILL ALSO SWITCH TO OLIVES FOR LUNCH, and that will be betrayal of the most heartbreaking kind. #rude
- It inspired me to bake. And that went very well until I ended up forgetting the flour and then led the oven to explode, so my cake ended up burning (I mean, not like it was very much a cake since i forgot the flour in the first place but yeah. It was still sad)
- But since I am very loyal and never give up, I still tried baking cookies. Good news – I REMEMBERED THE FLOUR!!! But my cookies turned out salty instead of sweet. Who made the rule that salt and sugar have to be very IMPORTANT cooking essentials while also making them look so similar. It was rude, okay?
- And that, fellow human, is the reason I keep my distance from the kitchen here onwards.
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: I BLEW UP THE FREAKING OVEN AND YOU’RE ASKING ME WHY IT WAS DANGEROUS??!
STRANGE THE DREAMER
- This book has been very kind and taught me how it’s okay to read while walking and it’s fine if I happen to accidentally walk into a wall in the process and break my nose. I can be Lazlo’s sister, so THAT’S NICE.
- And that also means that I’ll be like Lazlo Strange and then I can definitely 1000000% adopt him. It’s nice. Life’s happy.
- I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this before, BUT I am absolutely OBSESSED with Laini Taylor’s writing style, and now I want to make my writing flowery too because #copycat and IT JUST ENDS UP TERRIBLE AND IT’S ALL BAD OK
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Hahahahaha – can a broken nose be fixed??? And even if it can be, I AM SURE IT MUST HURT. And I’m not immune to pain, OKAY?
SHADOW AND BONE
- *AHEM* Just imagine the sheer amount of disappointment I felt when after 276428998 days of effortlessly trying to conjure light out of my hands I find out I am only a normal boring human and not anywhere even minutely close to a grisha and I have to live with that fact.
- And also ALL THE TIME I WASTED. Why would the universe do this to me? I tried SO HARD OKAY?
- But…. that’s not it. I then proceeded to test out for Heartrender, Healer, Squaller, Inferni, Tidemakers, Durasts, Alkemi and EVEN Tailors, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
- I feel so stupid right now.
- I want a volcra as a pet please. SOMEONE GIFT ME A VOLCRA.
WHY IT IS DANGEROUS: Do you not happen to realize that I could have spent ALL of that time wildly hunting for Riptide instead?? Or in efforts of keeping my TBR ~sOmEWhAt~ under control and prevent it from toppling right on top of me in attempts of murder??? YEAH. THOUGHT SO.
Thoughts on reading??? Is it dangerous??? OR THE BEST THING EVER CREATED?? Some books that have left you feeling extremely confused and on the verge of questioning your sanity?? Books that have scarred you for life or made you want to do something extremely stupid?? ALSO, would you like a part two?