sometimes all the months go by in a blur of days and you’re left wondering how you landed in april in the first place.
it’s just the slightest bit surreal looking back over half-drafted february wrap ups when you should be working on one of the present month. it’s also ridiculous how we celebrated new years’ FOUR ENTIRE MONTHS AGO ALREADY.
but mostly you’re just a little busy freaking out over that latest post you drafted some two months ago but that you’re still burnt out from like you’d scrambled to finish it before your harshly self-imposed deadline of last night. after which you’re left wondering about how maybe something is wrong with your abstract perception of the universe and you’ve got the concept of time all mistaken.
(which, no offense, BUT YOU PROBABLY HAVE)
hi it’s been two months since the last olive tormenting session. which is the slightest bit of A PROBLEM because it feels like a mere two days. this is probably the part where i’m supposed to scream and threaten someone into SENDING HELP in the form of more time or maybe even immortality if they’re up for it.
but hey. my last calls into the void haven’t worked out AND NOW MY THROAT IS JUST HOARSE.
welcome to the olive officially giving up.*
* UNTIL TOMORROW. WE’LL TALK ABOUT IMMORTALITY AGAIN TOMORROW.
maybe let’s talk a brief little talk about the sacred art of post-writing today.
mainly because i have certain explanations to do and this is how i imagined starting.
i have this huge little google docs file where every other line is the wrong size large and there’s yellow highlights pretty much everywhere except on the important stuff*. and in that file is where all my post ideas reside**. at least temporarily (or sometimes forever because look there’s more idea dumps in there than the total number of hours in a day AND I MIGHT NEED TO SLEEP??) until the legalities are complete and we can secure them a home.
(home in question being the smol web-shaped corner that you’re currently on) (THANK YOU)
after which we proceed with an outline of sorts.
but everything’s rather rebellious here. which is why the first thing done post-copy-pasting everything of even the smollest significance, happens to be creating headings using canva wherein i toy around with the world and cackle over the thought of ruling it.
cackling session in conclusion and finally wrapping up, though, is when the problem really begins.
because the words won’t come.
i’ve sat here in front of the computer screen catching up with 32-week-ago messages and voluntarily getting assignments done ahead of time (which. ridiculous, honestly) because the thought of opening up that half-completed little word-draft i started a month ago scares me so much.
there’s the blinking cursor and there’s the keys beneath my fingers and there’s words and words and words and so many words. but among them there’s also the steadily poisonous flow of thoughts that disguise themselves as eternal doubt.
typing up words is scary. letting people read them is scarier.
which is maybe how i find myself half-asleep and bone-tired sitting in front of the computer screen at midnight typing up the intro to a post that was due for publishing some three weeks ago.
sometimes i think that maybe i like the process of graphic-insertion more than the actual writing.
and sometimes that ends up being a problem.
* ANOUSHKA OF THE OLDER TIMES WORKED EVERYTHING IN REVERSE.
** WELL, APART FROM THE NOTION ACCOUNT I ONCE SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDED TO CREATE AND THE TEN OR MAYBE A THOUSAND UNFORTUNATE LITTLE SAMSUNG NOTES I STARTED BECAUSE I’D FREAKED ABOUT LOSING IDEAS AND WAS IN A GENERAL, EXCITEMENT-INDUCED HURRY. OH AND ALSO THOSE APPLE NOTES FROM WHEN I WAS SMOL AND SPENT THIRTY MINUTES AFTER LUNCH EVERYDAY COMING UP WITH IDEAS I’D NEVER FIND THE TIME TO WRITE. SO IT’S A LONG LIST, BASICALLY.
(which isn’t perhaps very official yet, but MAYBE)
so look. this post is an absolute chaos of thoughts that ended up together only through the underlying vague similarity that i typed them up in a single post draft for updates from all the time i went missing. which is to say: PROCCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK, ROBYN.
but i’ve been gone so, SO long. and maybe this is when i should say that i missed blogging but honestly?? i haven’t really had the time to miss it. or even the time to think about it at all, really. everything has been so BUSY lately.
most of this post was typed up in the five-minute study breaks i very condescendingly permit myself and it’s all very different and a little more informal and messy than usual. BUT SHHH. WE’RE TRYING NOT TO STRESS OVER IT CURRENTLY.
so look. i’m officially done with the school year and i started 10th grade (which. is kind of a “BIG DEAL”™) AND THAT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY FRICKIN HUGE REASON TO FREAK OUT TO ME, BOB.
the problem: i’m kind of still stuck four years back in time where the first day of sixth grade plays on a loop over and over and it’s weird how we’ve gone further than that and i even REMEMBER going further than that but i’m. still supposed to be back there?? (I DO NOT HAVE THE MENTAL CAPABILITY OF AN ACTUAL REAL-LIFE HIGH SCHOOLER AND AM STILL A KID. SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY PUT ME INTO THE WRONG GRADE WHAT THE HELL) everything kind of whirlwind-ed out of control after that BECAUSE THAT WAS WHEN COVID MADE ITS GRAND LITTLE PERFECT ENTRANCE. and SO MUCH HAPPENED and everything was a mess of days and days and some more days and maybe throw in a couple more days and i remember so many of said days very very vividly and a lot of them were even really, really good days but look i just want to go back to the first day of middle school and rewind everything from there. IT’S CONFUSING.
no nevermind. this is basically me going on a tangent. THE REAL PROBLEM HERE: i don’t want to be this close to graduating school and going out into the “REAL WORLD” and choosing what to do with my life when i have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER. it’s so stressful i sometimes imagine i might one day spontaneously combust. (but also a little exciting*)
* WHAT, BOB. I HAVEN’T EVER SEEN ANYONE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST BEFORE OKAY. AND I WANT TO. SEE SOMEONE COMBUST, THAT IS.
MY CURRENT SOLUTION? cue long long days of me listening to the midnights album and/or the heartstopper soundtrack every single second of every 24 hours of every day to keep the panic at bay. or to the bare minimum if option 1 fails (which it often does. QUITE SPECTACULARLY) (it’s rather fond of grandness like that. EXCEPT WE DON’T REALLY MAKE A HABIT OF APPRECIATING IT) (the poor little kid) AND OBSESSIVELY READING EVERY NON-FICTION BOOK WITHIN A ONE-MILE RADIUS (this is basically every book ever written) TO TELL MYSELF I SHALL SUCCESSFULLY FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY FUTURE.
it isn’t really working.
SO FREAKING OUT IS RIGHT.
but anyway. i’ll stop talking now.
in other news: I’M CURRENTLY WATCHING ALEXA AND KATIE AGAIN FOR THE 375352 MILLIONTH TIME. BUT. the thing is… I’VE ONLY EVER WATCHED THE LAST SEASON ONCE BECAUSE I DEEM IT TOO SADSADSAD. and now i’m watching it again. (WELCOME, SECOND IMPENDING FREAK-OUT OF THE HOUR)
AND I HATE HOW IT ENDS.
or maybe the fact THAT IT ENDS. (difficult to say, honestly) (BUT LOOK I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN SOMETHING MAKES ME CRY)
we’re currently contemplating skipping onto another tv series instead and/or rewatching the first season BUT IT’S ALL UNDECIDED. someone send me help AND MAYBE ANOTHER SEASON OR A KATIE. or cake. i am also open to settling for cake.
(because i have no chill okay)
so look. maybe i got a kindle the other day and cannot stop HOLDING HER.
(cue flashback to the time i first met her and went all gollum, MY PRECIOUSSSS)
(THE GOOD OL’ DAYS)
no but seriously. SHE’S MY NEWEST MOST FAVORITE PERSON IN LIFE AND I TAKE HER EVERYWHERE AND I’VE READ SIX BOOKS IN ELEVEN DAYS AND WE’RE STILL HUNTING FOR A NAME BUT THE WORLD IS HUGE AND OTHERWISE PERFECT*.
* OR ALMOST PERFECT. ACCORDING TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE, BOB.
after that i also betrayed all my self-made life rules and READ A NON-FICTION (for reasons aforementioned)
(but also #mykindledoesmagic,people)
AFTER WHICH THIS HAPPENED:
NON-FICTION IN QUESTION ENDED UP BEING THE BEST BOOK I’VE READ SINCE APRIL. of last year.
(so like. SUCCESS, AM I RIGHT?)
for anyone wondering, non-fiction in question was this is going to hurt by adam kay which basically CHANGED MY LIFE (aka hyperbole for “oh wow anoushka’s never loved non-fiction before SO THIS IS NEW. and also slightly unheard of”) and was also fun (aka A PREVIOUSLY-DEEMED IMPOSSIBILITY when it came down to anything not involving fictionally unreal happenings) (so like. non-fiction, basically). it’s hilarious in a very unique kind of way (which also happens to be dryish humor and MY MOST FAVORITE THING IN EXISTENCE) but it’s also perfect and therefore a little sad and look maybe it’s just that i never imagined the job of a doctor being so uncomparably interesting, but this was FUN, okay. and fun is good.
well, KIND OF.
(which is to say: NO ONE BETTER HOLD ME TO ANYTHING)
it’s been a long long time since i PROPERLY put on my red little writer hat and sat down at the cluttered designated little writing station (which also happens to be my reading table + studying space + where i sometimes eat too + THE SPACE WHERE I BASICALLY LIVE BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS MY LIFE WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DOING AT THIS POINT) for hours at a time and forgot about the real little reality of the existence of the rest of this universe and all the seven other planets that currently revolve with us in the milky way and just. LIVED IN A STORY THAT WENT ANY DIRECTION I TOLD IT TO. (i like having utter and absolute control like that. even if it’s just a story that shall never see anyone else’s computer screens or the light of day, AND NOT THE WORLD THAT I’M REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE RULING) but i wrote a weird little short story the other day between classes and have started about ten billion others and it’s abnormally FUN(ish)
plus i’m drafting this aren’t i?? THIS IS CALLED WRITING, SAMWISE.
and it feels very nice smashing keys that accidentally come out forming a whole entire blog post again after such a HUGELY LONG BREAK or something. although i draft all my posts of ever after inhumanely long times away from them anyway, SO IT’S MORE THE NORMAL THING AT THIS POINT. but shh, bob. SHH.
and look it’s usually very awkward writing them because OOPS I FORGOT HOW YOU WRITE A BLOG POST CONSIDERING HOW, YOU KNOW. I HAVEN’T EXACTLY WRITTEN MORE THAN ONE A MONTH SINCE I FIRST STARTED BLOGGING, WHICH PEOPLE SAY IS A PROBLEM AND I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO AGREE BECAUSE #PROOF DECREES IT. and second-guessing is my middle name WHICH MIGHT BE A SMOL PROBLEM. we’re working on it. (DON’T YOU CALL OUT MY LIES, YOU OLIVE YOU)
we’re currently planning on trying out the posting-every-three-days thing again. but when you live with me, HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING, TRISTAN*.
i suggest you don’t try it. (unless disappointment is something you’re unfortunately fond of. in which case, I SHAN’T STOP YOU, BOB. seeing as how your best freetime activity involves sobs)
SO THIS IS EXCITING.
* DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT. CALLING PEOPLE BY RANDOM NAMES IS A RECENTLY DISCOVERED IDEA OF FUN. AND I DON’T LIKE TRISTAN.
(author is currently too tired to conclude the post and shall therefore leave this blank while she dozes off on the open computer screen. your cooperation in the matter is greatly appreciated. but the olive feels glad and mildly accomplished on writing what she calls one of the shortest ever posts in the history of this blog)
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND IT’S RECENT HAPPENINGS. books?? words?? a blogging slump?? SERIOUS LACK OF TIME?? MORE BOOKS?? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE, BOB?