You know how everyone hates the classics they make us read in English classes at school?
Because I am absolutely jobless, I’ve been thinking about that a lot these past couple of days. And I have arrived at the reason they do that, or at least, the reason I think they do it. So, lo behold (is that the way you say it? Honestly, I am absolutely clueless) the answer to why schools like to make people hate reading for all of eternity –
To keep the bookworm community from overpopulation
Bookworms can be… scary sometimes (and i am saying that being one myself, so YOU HAVE PROOF). They can rule the world, breathe fire, cause many accidents, lead to the destruction of the world and all of human kind. *gasp* and maybe all of that is supossed to make us feel proud, because come on, destroying the world requires tons of planning and power and hardwork. It isn’t an easy task. so.
Here is a list of seven reasons why school is forced to make us read classics and analyse them. In other words, why bookworms are a threat to society and have to be prevented from overpopulation.
Just a small note: All of this is meant entirely for entertainment purpose only. I am extremely sorry if any of this offends anyone. I swear, that is not the intention.
PEOPLE COULD DIE
You know how sometimes you’re at this amazing part of a book, you NEED to know what happens next, and you JUST CAN’T STOP READING, but then some urgent work pops up (like buying milk from a grocery store. I know it is a trashy example, BUT IT WILL DO) and your mom won’t let you finish the book so you get out of your house with your face in the book, navigating the road, the plot AND the protagonist’s emotions all at the same time. A car honks, the villain is about to eat the protagonist whole, and THERE IS TOO MUCH STESS. The car honks again, but you are too busy. Another car comes from the opposite side, honks, you still don’t move, a third car comes (yes, it is an intersection) and this one is at a really high speed. You still don’t move. The driver screams because he’s going to crash into you, you scream because the villain HAS eaten your beautiful, wonderful, amazing, multitasking protagonist and the other two drivers scream because they are on the verge of ACCIDENT! You throw the book away because THAT WAS EVIL, and then you run away, and the cars crash into each other, and – AN ACCIDENT. The cars all get smashed and die, the drivers suffer from serious injuries, and the book gets CRUSHED! But you escape alive. See? #evilbookworm
IT COULD GET… UM, BLOODY SOMETIMES
Bookworms are extremely opinionated people. Like me. I’d totally kill you if, say, you disagree with me that Percy Jackson is the best protagonist in all of the history of writing or whatever, or if the Traitor’s Game is an absolute masterpiece, or that fantasy is the basic necessity of life only after olives though. And this could lead to… battles and duels and the like. Team Percy Jackson, and for example’s sake Team Ares. Now, I hate Ares with a burning passion, and I would BATTLE YOU TO DEATH if I have to, to prove it. You see, WARS COULD ARISE because some people say that Marie Lu deserves to rule the world and some people say that Holly Black deserves to rule the world, and some idiots, like me, say that I deserve to rule the world. Whoever’s on that last team, THANK YOU SO MUCH! And yes, I totally deserve to rule the world. And schools don’t want a third world war to arise because how can they torture us with a lifetime of homework then, hmm?
A SWORD AND DAGGER OBSESSION
I don’t think I need to say this again, because everyone probably already knows this by now, but I have a very unhealthy obsession with swords and daggers (Riptide to be more specific) AND I WANT TO LEARN SWORD FIGHTING SO BAD! (and Youtube, my only hope, doesn’t have lessons! How unfair can this world be?!) And I am not an ironsmith or swordsmith or whatever, and the best I can get in the name of a sword is a piece of cardboard wrapped with aluminium foil that BREAKS whenever I hit it against another similar piece of cardboard. UNFAIR WORLD. (seriously, I’ve tried SO HARD to create a sword that doesn’t break the first time it hits something! Success is shortlived)
BUT coming back to the reason this is harmful for society as a whole – if the bookworm community EXPANDS, more people will get obsessed with swords and daggers, and then we will all break into museums to STEAL some old metal swords with actual BLADES (!!! can you imagine that? I will DIE from the excitement!!!) and THEN we will all go into battle, and get killed (which is rather unfortunate because I have so many more books left to read, okay!) Non-bookworm humans will eventually pick sides and get involved, and THE WORLD WILL END! *evil laughter* Wait, but then all I’ll get to rule is dry patches of desert, maybe an occasional tree if trees manage to survive –
PEOPLE CAN GET ANNOYED TO THE POINT OF MURDER
I even have proof (see? I always come fully prepared) I get threatened everyday. And it’s not amazing! *sob* I need to talk about stuff or else I’ll combust, okay? I need someone to talk to about how authors should stop killing amazing human beings and complain, and this so called “murderer” and apparent listener often comes in the form of your younger sibling sitting idly with no work to do. You don’t even feel guilty about taking up a bit of their time. This is how most of my conversations with my sister go:
Anoushka: Hey, I’m reading the traitors game right now, and it’s the best book ever written so you should go read it too
Sister: Do I care?
Sister: No, I dont
Anoushka: Um, okay, so you want to hear a quote from it
Anoushka: If this was
Anoushka: A sample of what
Anoushka: Working with Trina would be like
Anoushka: Then I’d soon die from increased exposure to idiocy
Sister: If you open your mouth one more time, then you’ll soon die from the dagger that will accidentally slip from my hand
Anoushka: *gasps* *runs away*
See? Almost certain murder. And this hasn’t even been the scariest and most dangerous conversation I’ve ever tried to start.
PEOPLE CAN GO BANKRUPT
Let’s be real for a second here – books are the best things ever. A bookshop is a bookworm’s paradise, and we could live in there for the rest of eternity. (but we can’t, because closing hours-) so what do we do? We buy books. Loads and loads of them (because indecision, excuse me?) and we still aren’t satisfied because books are greedy and they want to be bought, bookworms are greedy and want more pretty covers, and bookstore owners are greedy and want more money (mutually beneficial, see?), so we go back the next day and buy more books and slowly but certainly we RUN OUT OF MONEY and become broke, and this is harmful to schools and nations. Because No money = No money for education. No money for education = Literacy rate goes down. And this is unfortunate for nations because they are greedy and want to increase their literacy rate. Plus schools also miss their chance at torture because no money for education.
MEMORY LOSS AND MIXUP
The presence of a memory unit in my brain is… negligible. That probably doesn’t even make sense. ugh. irritating. I NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING?! except books *grins madly* and the stories and HOW MUCH I LOVE PERCY! Books take up all my brain space and then I cannot remember the diagram of human heart. And then, I FAIL. Its sad. And also memory mixup. This is worse, because its better to fail than write a fantasy ruler’s name in a history test and then get asked who the hell that name belongs to IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS, am I right? Don’t look at me like that! I was NOT talking about myself.
DO NOT TRY TO LIE when I say that all bookworms (yourself included, myself not) get reminded of scenes from books and characters in real life. This is an example of the scene that unfolds
Random someone: ….. Just like a man…..
Anoushka: That human reminds me so much of Ms. Cornelia, oh my gosh!
Random someone : *turns their gaze on Anoushka*
Anoushka: *gulp* [whispers] I want to run away. Why did I say that?
Random someone : Who’s Ms. Cordelia?
Anoushka: She’s a person.
Random someone : O-kay?
Anoushka: A character from a book.
Random someone : Oh. And am I supossed to feel offended?
Anoushka: No! I like Ms. Cordelia!
And then she looks at me like I’m a weirdo. Unhealthy obsession. Gowns remind me of Archie what’s-his-name, that wizard at the world cup? Rulers remind me of Endrick! EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF PERCY JACKSON! I am obsessed with quoting passages from Anne of green Gables! What do I do???
What are some of the reasons YOU think bookworms are a threat to society? Anyone else a die-hard fan of daggers over here (please do me a favor and tell me I am not the only one obsessed with riptide)?